I always knew that I would be writing about this someday. But, I never thought about writing it this soon. A few days ago, I found out that January is the National Stalking Awareness Month (NSAM). I think now is the perfect time to tell my story.

Stalking is defined in the dictionary as a pattern of unwanted behavior and attention, or obsessive behaviors, which are directed at a specific person. This behavior can affect the victim in many different ways. For one, it can have devastating and long lasting physical impacts. Second, it can affect a person’s mental health by leading the victim to develop anxiety, insomnia, nervousness, depression and social dysfunction.

I know this because I have been a victim of stalking! For the past 13 years…and I am still being stalked today.

When I was 14, AIM was a popular social media platform used to chat. People spoke to friends, relatives, classmates and even strangers. Somehow a random male messaged me and, to my misfortune, I replied. It was a casual conversation and did not seem strange. He mentioned he recently came from Bangladesh and lived nearby my high school. He also mentioned that he knew some students from my school. We talked once in a while on AIM and I thought nothing of it. I didn’t share private information but I guess him knowing which high school I went to was enough for him. This was about 13 years ago. I don’t quite remember all the details. At that time, it did not seem that important. But I soon learned that I should have thought differently.

One day, I was on my way home from school with my best friend. We swiped our Metrocard to get into the train station and then began to walk towards the stairs to go up and wait on the platform for our train. As we reached the stairs I saw someone standing nearby with shades on. I thought it was odd that someone was wearing shades at the station. To make it even more strange, the person had a red rose in his shirt pocket. As we began walking up the stairs, the strange person began to walk up the stairs as well. My friend and I looked at each other knowing that we both felt like he was following us. But at that moment, we didn’t think much of it. It was New York City after all and school just ended. As we reached the top of the stairs, the guys stood beside us. Not too close, but close enough for us to get a look. He seemed very odd but after some time, we noticed he was gone and went to the other side of the platform. We felt relieved.

That day when I reached home, I received a message on AIM. It was him, the stranger I once chatted with. He told me that it was him at the station with the red rose and shades on. He wanted me to notice him. Notice that he was there. As a young middle school girl, I found that very strange. So I did what any young girl would have done. I asked him why he was there. He said he went to meet a friend. I didn’t think much of it. Several days later, I received another message from him. He told me that he liked me. My immediate response was telling him that I was not interested. But that had no effect on him. I would still see him wait for me at the train station. He would watch me as I got on the train, and on my lucky days, he would be on his way. 

On my unlucky days, he would follow me for a while. I would be scared. But as a young 14 year old girl, I was too scared to share it with anyone. Even my best friend, who was often there with me, was also scared. We assumed if we ignored him, he would lose interest and stop. I blocked him on all social media platforms I was on and ignored all attempts he made at getting in touch. It didn’t stop him. I was too scared to share then…and it only became harder as time went on.

One of my worst experiences with him was when he appeared outside of my window. It was a normal day. I helped my mom and went to open the curtains to let some light in. As I pulled the curtains open, I saw him on the street…watching…waiting. Just like he waited for me at the train station, he was there outside of my window. I got scared and closed the curtains. I ran to a different room and laid down. My little heart filled with fear and my stomach dropped. Even when I tried to speak, nothing came out. Then one day, I received a call on my house phone. When I answered, I heard a voice asking me why aren’t you online. Why are you ignoring me? I got scared again and hung up. The same fear I had when he appeared outside of my window came back. You’d be surprised how much information shows up if you Google someone’s name. It’s scary. I was scared. I was reliving that same moment again…and again…and again. This continued to happen and I continued to keep everything to myself.

I know many people would say “you should’ve told someone. You should’ve asked for help.” Trust me I wanted to. I wanted to ask for help, I wanted to get someone to stop this guy from chasing me. But I am from a culture, a community where such issues are not common. I know my family will always support me, but that’s different from the community. Outsiders would say what did you do to provoke him? Why did you speak to him? They would blame the victim even before considering helping. And keep in mind, this is long before the “me too” movement. Long before standing up for yourself and speaking out was not the norm.

As life continued, I could never escape him. About a year or two after that incident, my family bought a new house in a new borough. We all moved out of this house together. I thought it was my opportunity to lose him. After school, instead of walking to the closest station, I would walk to one that was much further. Since I moved, my route home was different. So I figured he wouldn’t be able to find me and he didn’t…for about a year. One day I was on the train heading to NYU Poly for research. I was standing by the door waiting for them to open. As it opened, and I looked up, I saw him. That same creepy smile, that stare that gave me shivers. Out of all the cars on the New York City subway, he was standing in front of the door I was in. I froze. I wanted to cry. Instead, I ran up the stairs and ran as fast, in any direction I could. All I thought to myself was how did this just happen? After doing so much, after sacrificing this much, how does life do this to me?

I was participating at the Intel Science competition so I was working at Polytechnic University to conduct my research under a professor. When I walked out of the school that day, he was right there. Standing, waiting and smiling just as I walked out. Even after being very careful, he found out my new address. He again started to wait in front of my house. He began to stalk me again.

After a while, I tried to talk some sense into him. I begged him to leave me alone. I asked him what he wanted and his reply to no surprise, was me. He wanted me. But I didn’t want him. I just wanted him to leave me alone. I wanted him to not follow me. Not to feel like I have to look back anytime I went out. I wanted to open my curtains again. I told him I couldn’t live in the fear he was putting me in. I told how him doing what he did made me depressed, scared and anxious. But it was no use. He just continued to smile. That same creepy smile.

I gave up on trying to reason with him. At some point, I began dating. He found out. He could not handle it. He threatened me in any way he could. He told me to be single. He just had to be involved. My boyfriend at the time knew about my stalker and tried protecting me however he could. He told me we needed to go to the cops. This was out of control. He once again began calling the house phone. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I opened up to my family. Told my parents and uncle and cousin. They were scared for my safety. They said we had to call the police and get a restraining order. So I did. I called the cops and opened one of many cases against him. But they did not give me a restraining order. The reason the police gave was that he did not physically abuse me. I had no relation to him so this was nothing more than an aggravated assault. It was not enough for a restraining order. 

It was not enough for the police that I was living in fear. It was not enough for the police that I didn’t feel comfortable living in my own house. It was not enough for the police that I couldn’t open my own curtains to let in fresh air to my room. And the saddest of all, the best suggestion they gave me was to change my name and move to a different state. My entire life was here. My family’s life was here. We couldn’t just grab everything and leave. And not to mention, the threats on email, social media and the phone calls won’t just go away. We stayed and I was forced to “deal with it.” 

Since I opened a case, whenever he was near me, I called the police. One day he even grabbed my arm and was forcing me to stay back and talk to him. Finally, that did the job. The cops saw my arms were red from him grabbing me and after many tries, I received a restraining order. For a while it worked. He left me alone for the most part. Or at least I didn’t see him even if he did. The life span of the restraining order was two years. When it expired, like clockwork the stalking resumed. I tried to renew my restraining order but it didn’t work. He left me alone for the duration and I guess he got smarter when it came to stalking laws.

He began messaging from different accounts on Facebook and Instagram. I continued to block him whenever I figured out it was him. I changed all of my phone numbers countless times. Law couldn’t help me anymore because he was using fake accounts to contact me. The many times I went for help to the precincts, I was left feeling helpless. They took down complaints but nothing was ever done. I kept receiving the same statement “unless he physically hurts me, there’s nothing they could do.” Funny, I have to wait for him to hurt me to receive help.

He’s smart, he knows how to stalk without getting caught. But why do I have to suffer like this? To me, physical pain is much better than this mental torture. 

Eventually, he bought a car so he can park up in front of my house to “track me better.” After college, I joined a new company. Every single morning, when I had to leave for work I worried if I’d see him. Whether it’s right outside of my house. Or the end of my block. Or in the train station. Would he follow me around like a damn dog? He did and I’d tolerate it. I was helpless.

I tried taking different routes when I walked out of my house but he was there. I even decided to walk out of my office building using the side exit. The side exit that was used for trash. It smelled but I had to find a different way. I knew he would be there outside of the building. After walking down the stairs, I would open one door, hoping it wasn’t blocked off or too tight from all the trash stacked up. Then walk through the trash bags and walk towards the last door that would take me to the streets. I used to feel so heavy just going from one door to another because I have claustrophobia. But I tolerated that to just exit so I didn’t bump into him. Then I would walk all around the long way to my station to avoid him. Luckily he never found the side exit. But soon I couldn’t do that anymore. I would receive messages asking me why he didn’t see me leave work. He would ask how I was managing to avoid him. I realized it was just a matter of time, until he found that exit too. I was just feeling more and more paranoid and depressed. Some days I couldn’t help but question how much longer I can tolerate this. I quit working in 2017 because I did not want to leave home.

Can you imagine waking up in the morning, and looking out the window to see if he is parked outside? Or walking down the streets and constantly being scared when you hear footsteps or understand someone is behind you? The amount of times I look behind me. The amount of times I cross the street to make sure I’m not being followed. For what? Even if he’s there, he acted slick. He’d see me but I wouldn’t. Even if I did see him, what do I do? Nothing. Because he stalked smart and did not do anything that will lead the cops to take action.

Today I suffer from paranoia. I cannot walk down the street without feeling like I am being followed. Even if I don’t see him, he can still see me.

I had my curtains closed for months. I was scared of the possibility of me seeing him out of the window or him seeing me. Every now and then, my mom would tell me to open them up and I would respond no. I told her I like it that way. Sometimes she would tie it up for me and open the window but I would immediately close them back up. Winter was easy to avoid but in the summer it was normal to open up the curtains and the window. It was difficult. I hid it all and didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want my family to worry about me again. I kept the fear in me. But I felt horrible. I was emotionally and mentally broken.

It’s common for people to have nightmares. When I was younger, I feared monsters would be under my bed. But I never saw a face. It was always a shadow of a figure. But for the past 13 years, I see a face. After the stalking began, my nightmares include his face. Instead of seeing deformed creatures coming out from under my bed, I saw him. This is not normal!

I went to Bangladesh in 2018 to visit my family back home. He even followed me there. How did he know I was in Bangladesh? Remember how I said he used to park up in front of my house every single day… somehow I managed to leave home with family with all our luggage without him seeing us. But when he didn’t see “movement” in my house for a week or two, he had a feeling I went to Bangladesh. He messaged me on Instagram and I knew he figured it out. Then one day he messaged me and sent me a picture of him at the airport. And then a picture of him in Bangladesh. Whenever I traveled to different cities in Bangladesh, he would send me a picture of him at that place as well. Unfortunately not all of my relatives are private on Facebook so when he would see that someone from my family was travelling, he would take whatever transportation needed and end up there. Luckily, whenever he would try to reach me at a destination, I already moved on to the next. I hated being on vacation but worrying about him being there as well. Even then I didn’t tell my family. They’d be worried as they were the first time and it would ruin their vacation. A vacation they had after a long time.

Eventually my younger brothers figured it out. They approached him and told him multiple times to leave me alone. But anyone that ever tried to defend me became a bad person in his eyes. He even threatened to hurt my youngest brother when he turns 18. He’s so psychotic that he calculated the day when my brother will turn 18 so he can beat him up. He messaged me that threat from a fake Instagram account so we couldn’t use that as evidence.

I have had lots of terrible experiences relating to my stalker. The most recent and terrifying experience happened when I got married a year and half ago. He showed up at one of my wedding events. Unfortunately even after requesting people to not share anything on social media, a photo was posted. In the photo, our venue was tagged. My stalker found it. He showed up with his friends and walked towards the stage where I was sitting with my fiance. My family recognized him and went up to him and asked him to leave. He refused and it got loud. Guests panicked and were running around, not knowing what was happening. Everything happened in a blur. I blacked out from the fear and so did my mom. When I came to my senses, I found out he was hurt in the chaos and had a cut on his head. Cops were called. He trespassed into a private property and attended a private event. Even that was not enough for the police because he somehow was hurt during the process. Remember when I told you he was smart. I’m sure he knew what to do to prevent himself from getting incriminated. That was when I had my first panic attack. I remember my mom running to me and hugging me and telling everyone that no one can take me away from her. No one can hurt me. Yea, the wedding every girl dreams of, I was having it but it became a horror show.

He continued to message my husband and I since then. He messages my husband with pictures he collected from social media of my previous relationship and threatens him to divorce me. My husband married me knowing my past so we try to ignore it as much as possible. When I block, he messages my family and friends who he kept track of online throughout the years. He created fake accounts to add me. Sometimes even impersonating people I know and pretended to be them so I could reply. Sometimes I understood, sometimes I didn’t. Eventually I realized I had to keep him unblocked so other people in my life don’t have to suffer through this blackmail and his threats.

But now things are getting out of control. We got several different vendors for our wedding. They posted pictures of us as it was written in our agreement. My stalker found out and messaged them. He threatened them to take off our photos and any videos that included us. After being private for years, I opened a public social media account to share with family and friends. He messaged my husband and I telling us not to share anything on social media. He thinks it’s bad to share small parts of our life. He is outraged and messaged my husband, sending him a picture of a baseball bat saying that he will break his head with the bat. He messaged me indirectly talking about having a gun and not being afraid to use it. I made reports to the police and received a complaint number. But they told me to contact them if I have proof of this fake Instagram being his. Basically prove that this is my stalker. Cops said they get it but still need proof for professional reasons. Also told me to call the cops if I ever see him. Again, I’m waiting to prove it’s him. I’m waiting to actually see him in front of me even though that’s my fear every time I walk out of my house. He’s not stupid. He has over 13 years of stalking experience. He knows how to stalk without incriminating himself. He knows that. He told me himself. But I need help. I need to be able to go out again without fearing for my life and my loved ones.

It’s hard for me to write about this. Writing all this felt like I was reliving everything. It reminded me of how I was hopeless, helpless and abandoned by the law for 13 years.

I wrote all this and yet I feel like this is not enough to make anyone understand exactly what I have been going through. Not enough to make people understand how much it has affected me. The fear, the anxiety, the paranoia, the depression… it just can’t all be explained.

My advice to anyone out there who is experiencing anything like this is: if you ever feel like you are being stalked, please reach out to someone for help. Our culture and society makes us feel like we are to be blamed for being put in a situation in life. People tell us we should just ignore it and it’ll go away. But they cannot relate to the torture. They will not understand that sometimes we are not that lucky. Sometimes we have to put up with it for years. We will have to always be scared and this is not how we should have to live.

If anyone knows any way to help me get out of this horrific situation, please message me or post in the comments. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know if anything can be done. But I lived in fear for 13 years of my life and I…I just want to live a normal life. I need help.